East Herts Gamers Blood Bowl Season One - Matchday 2 Report

With the opening week delivering touchdowns, death and heartbreak in equal measure, Week Two arrived with coaches already nursing injuries, bruised egos and rapidly depleting player rosters.

The headline fixture saw the battered but unbeaten Ellyrion Stallions take on the lightning-fast Reptile Dysfunction, whilst The Irish Raiders hosted the ancient horrors of the Grisly Ra-Skulls in a match that featured heroic comebacks, outrageous violence and one Tomb Guardian being nearly beaten to death by a Halfling.

ELLYRION STALLIONS VS REPTILE DYSFUNCTION

"Speed meets speed. Then everyone gets injured."

Both teams entered the match with a Fan Factor of four, ensuring a healthy crowd packed the stands. The Stallions, still reeling from the season-ending injury suffered by Dragon Prince Caldorian Drakenflame the previous week, spent their inducement money on a Wandering Apothecary and a Team Mascot.

They would soon need both.

Reptile Dysfunction won the toss and elected to kick, but before the referee had even blown the opening whistle several eager Skinks had already surged into the Elven half in a display of enthusiasm that was either tactical genius or blatant cheating.

The opening exchanges were frantic. The Lizardmen repeatedly exploited their speed advantage, forcing the Stallions onto the back foot. The Elves struggled to establish any control while Reptile Dysfunction danced around them looking for openings.

The breakthrough eventually came courtesy of the league's emerging star, Totaquecutl "Tricky", whose pace once again proved devastating. Slipping through the Elven defence, the Skink runner crossed the line on Turn 4 to give Reptile Dysfunction a deserved lead.

STALLIONS 0 – 1 REPTILE DYSFUNCTION

The Stallions responded with the calm determination expected of High Elves. Slowly working their way back into the game, they began spreading the field and forcing the Lizardmen to commit players.

Meanwhile, White Lion Vaelion Whiteclaw was busy creating chaos of his own. One memorable sequence saw the ferocious blitzer wrestling a Skink to the ground before turning his attention to larger prey.

First, he badly hurt Quatzaloa "Komodo", one of Reptile Dysfunction's mighty Saurus blockers. Then Stallions lineman Letharion Sunweave got involved, inflicting a serious lasting injury on Chameleon Skink Atopoec "Flytrap".

The growing casualty list began to take its toll on the Lizardmen roster.

The Stallions finally levelled the match during the fourth turn of their second drive. After a well-executed passing play, Vaelion Whiteclaw finished the move himself, crashing over the line to equalise.

STALLIONS 1 – 1 REPTILE DYSFUNCTION

The second half became increasingly chaotic.

Players from both sides left the pitch injured, stunned or unconscious. Possession changed hands repeatedly as both teams suffered untimely turnovers, dropped passes and failed pickups.

What had begun as a showcase of speed and skill rapidly descended into a desperate struggle between two exhausted squads.

With numbers dwindling alarmingly on both sides, the game entered its closing stages with victory still there for the taking.

Then came the pivotal moment.

With the chance to launch what might have been a match-winning drive, star Skink Totaquecutl "Tricky" failed to gather the ball cleanly at the start of the turn. The unexpected error handed possession back to the Elves and denied Reptile Dysfunction the opportunity to steal the win.

Both sides pushed desperately for a final breakthrough, but neither could find one.

After a tense and thoroughly entertaining contest, honours ended even.

FINAL SCORE: 1 – 1

Match Notes

• Vaelion Whiteclaw: 1 Touchdown, 2 Casualties

• Quatzaloa "Komodo" badly hurt

• Atopoec "Flytrap" suffers lasting injury

• Multiple turnovers and fumbles throughout

• Both teams reduced to severely depleted numbers by the final whistle
  

THE IRISH RAIDERS VS THE GRISLY RA-SKULLS

"The moving wall meets organised panic."

The Grisly Ra-Skulls won the toss and elected to receive under perfect Blood Bowl weather conditions.

From the opening whistle it became apparent that the Raiders were facing a serious challenge. The Tomb Kings advanced methodically behind a colossal wall of Tomb Guardians, while the Irish repeatedly sabotaged themselves through failed dashes, dropped balls and untimely falls.

Things became even worse when new Halfling hopeful Biggles made his league debut in place of Shane O'Sullivan. Unfortunately his first meaningful contribution was being knocked unconscious by a Skeleton Blitzer.

The first half quickly became an exercise in survival.

The Ra-Skulls slowly marched downfield in a seven-player cage with all the elegance of a moving mausoleum. Eventually Thrower Tupac Khamun crossed the line to score after what felt like an archaeological expedition across the pitch.

RAIDERS 0 – 1 RA-SKULLS

The Tomb Guardians continued to distribute violence at an alarming rate, smashing Human players aside whenever they came within arm's reach.

Eventually the Raiders realised direct confrontation was not a sustainable strategy and began avoiding the Guardians altogether.

The tactical adjustment paid dividends.

Catcher Dash Malone burst through along the touchline and raced away for the equaliser, bringing the game level before half-time.

RAIDERS 1 – 1 RA-SKULLS

Not content with merely scoring, the Raiders then deployed what experts later described as "three volunteers and a prayer" by placing several players directly opposite the Guardians while the rest of the team watched from a safe distance.

A sneaky counterattack later saw Blitzer Butch Brady catch an isolated Skeleton Lineman completely unprotected and hammer him into the turf, much to the delight of the home crowd.

The second half began with the Raiders receiving.

Immediately both catchers, Paddy Murphy and Dash Malone, sprinted down the right flank. Despite the Tomb Kings' best efforts to contain them, the undead defence simply could not keep up.

Dash Malone crossed for his second touchdown of the game.

RAIDERS 2 – 1 RA-SKULLS

Frustration began to build among the Tomb Kings.

The Raiders attempted to gang up on a lone Tomb Guardian in what can only be described as an ambitious assault. Kicks, punches and even several questionable crutch-based attacks bounced harmlessly off the gigantic construct.

Meanwhile, Halfling Big Al had apparently decided that self-preservation was optional. The diminutive player spent much of the second half squaring up to a Tomb Guardian in a one-on-one battle that absolutely nobody expected him to survive.

Against all logic, he did.

The Ra-Skulls secured possession and launched one final grinding drive towards the end zone. The Human defence could not stop the advance outright, so instead concentrated on disrupting the cage and interfering with the ball carrier.

The strategy worked.

As the final whistle approached, the equalising touchdown never came. The Irish Raiders held on for a hard-fought victory.

FINAL SCORE: 2 – 1

Additional Casualty Report

• Tomb Guardian Isis Cube was apparently killed by a Halfling before successfully regenerating.

• Lineman Lil' Coffin ventured too far from support and paid for it with his life.

• Nile Rogers suffered a niggling injury and will miss the next match.

• A Human lineman was seriously injured but escaped lasting effects.

• Tomb Guardian MVP awarded and immediately trained in Mighty Blow.
  

Official Halfling Statistics

• Halflings Thrown: 0

• Halflings behaving sensibly: 0

• Tomb Guardians intimidated by Halflings: Disturbingly high
  

WEEK TWO SUMMARY

The Stallions remain unbeaten but continue to haemorrhage players. Reptile Dysfunction demonstrated once again that they possess some of the most dangerous scoring threats in the league, while the Irish Raiders secured a valuable victory over one of the toughest teams in the competition.

Two weeks in, no coach's roster remains intact, no tactical plan survives contact with the opposition, and nobody appears remotely interested in standing away from the touchline.

Exactly as Nuffle intended.